I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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