I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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