i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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