I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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