atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
