I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
