i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
We were destined to go to rehab together
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
