I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
