turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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