I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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