u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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