I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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