if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
