I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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