She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
