Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
she peed on how many people?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
