No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
