I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
