I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
