i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
