You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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