Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
