if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize