you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
