i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
