just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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