you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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