I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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