got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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