im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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