How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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