he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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