i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
