she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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