just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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