Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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