My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
