I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
