'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize