WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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