sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
