farters have to be the big spoon...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
