honey bunches of taint.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
