Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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