wanna go halves on a baby?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
