just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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