Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize