i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Houston, we have a blender
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
