Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
