My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
