Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize