I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize