I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
