for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
we're making bets on your personal life
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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