Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
