Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
