hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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