life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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