He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
