The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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