A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
